


i just want to love you, to love you, to love you well

by manzini (writtendlessly)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Pandemonium Club (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Protective Alec Lightwood, brief references to sex including the word 'fuck' and 'orgasm' but not much else, if a T rating isn't enough for that please let me know, jumps around in the timeline, other characters are mentioned by not important really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-01-07 21:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21224384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtendlessly/pseuds/manzini
Summary: There's a million ways to say you love someone without saying the words "I love you", and Alec intends to say every single one.(This is a series of drabbles that jump along the timeline, each chapter has 5 different moments that are not connected. Skip around at your leisure!)





	1. like a force to be reckoned with

**Author's Note:**

> I had a list of "ways to say I love you" in a note and I was inspired to write these! Mostly a bunch of tiny stories, and they're all about Alec doing nice things for Magnus because it's what he deserves. And Alec deserves to be able to take care of his love. In this essay, I will--
> 
> These stand alone, so I marked it as complete, but I will post more to this in another chapter.
> 
> Work and chapter titles from Sleeping At Last's song "Two" which is a perfect Malec song. (Really, everything by SAL works for them)
> 
> Feel free to talk to me @manziniyo on twitter!

1.

It's only after the dust settles that Magnus realizes he's cut, though from what he can't be sure. A quick check tells him there's no demon venom, but with the adrenaline of a summoning finally fading, it's starting to sting. Predictably, Alec is at his side in an instant.

"Hey, are you okay?" Alec frowns down at the cut across the back of Magnus' hand. He grips Magnus' wrist gently and twists back and forth, probably looking for demon venom as well. Magnus could tell it wasn't anything serious from the way his magic reacts (or _doesn't_ react, to be precise) but Alec only has instinct to go off of.

"It's fine, dear, just a scratch," Magnus waves his free hand in a loose gesture. The feigned nonchalance doesn't fool Alec, however.

"No, are you _okay?_" Alec looks into his eyes this time, and Magnus is struck as he always is by the pure adoration and dedication he sees. 

By all accounts it should've been a normal demon summoning. Make the circle, do some chanting, talk to the demon and then send him back. But something was different, somehow, and as soon as the demon appeared Magnus lost control of the situation. The demon had smiled with rows of disgusting teeth and kept calling him _my liege_ or _Asmodeus' son_ or _your highness_. It was a painful reminder of the two times he had lived in Edom and he felt both angry and sick at the same time. 

And Alec noticed, of course, and wouldn't let it go unless Magnus directly asked him to. 

"It's fine," Magnus repeats, but he looks directly at Alec as he says it. He hopes to convey that maybe it _isn't_ fine, not really, but he wants to just forget it. 

Alec looks unhappy but leans in to kiss him anyway, mutters a _good_ under his breath and holds Magnus against him tightly. 

2.

When Magnus enters the apothecary for the first time that day, he's surprised to see a small box resting innocently on his desk. There's no markings on it; it's simply a brown cardboard box about the size of the lamp next to it. It wasn't there the night before, and he and Alec had spent the morning enjoying breakfast on their balcony. 

So, logically, Magnus thinks _someone broke in to leave a bomb in my office_.

He doesn't move any further, instead sending out his magic to test the box. There's no dark magic, Warlock _or_ Seelie, surrounding it. He even breaks out a spell he hasn't used in decades to test the intentions of the owner of an item. 

The box is clear of any magic, and he realizes that Alec probably left it sometime after Magnus had fallen asleep. Magnus _knew_ there was something suspicious about how diligently Alec had fucked him into incoherency. Magnus was completely knocked out by his fourth orgasm, and Alec must've sneaked away when he was dozing. 

Now that he knows it's from Alec, he wastes no time grabbing it and ripping the cardboard open. Inside is _another_ box, though this is made with plastic, and there's a small divot with a button on the top. Underneath where the box was sitting there's a note from Alec.

_This made me think of you._

_\- Alec ♥_

Magnus flips the note over. As if Alec knew he would be confused, there's a message there too.

_Press the button, babe._

Magnus smiles at the pet name, sets the box down, and presses the button. Immediately, part of the box opens on the top and a plastic cat appears. The cat puts its paw on the divot, sliding it backwards towards the box. Then the cat moves down and the box closes again, back to how it was originally. 

Magnus has no idea when Alec even had time to go to a mundane toy store, let alone buy something and sneak it in the loft, but he's grinning without even noticing it. Magnus presses the button three more times and lets the childish glee envelop him.

3.

Magnus is doing some complex spellwork on the wards when Alec strolls on to their balcony to meet him. He watches Magnus work with his sleep-mussed hair, no shirt on, and a popsicle in one hand.

Magnus takes one look at him and groans, "God, I would _kill_ for a popsicle right now."

It's a hint to go get him one from the freezer, but Alec had just woken up from spending the morning sleeping in, and even fully awake he was a little slow on the uptake sometimes. Alec holds the popsicle out in Magnus' direction.

"You can have half," Alec offers, though it sounds more like _can've'alf _with the way he mutters and yawns halfway through. 

Magnus doesn't stop his spellwork, but he lessens the intensity for now, "How am I supposed to take half of your popsicle, Alexander? Just bite into it like a heathen?"

Alec nods as if Magnus had said something profound and wise. He waves the popsicle around from where he's still holding it out towards Magnus.

"You can have all of it."

Magnus briefly contemplates making some sort of joke or innuendo but he's _so_ overheated and thirsty that he just takes the popsicle without comment. Alec watches him lick it a few times, smiling, and then goes back inside to get himself a new one. Magnus may have spent too much time watching him leave. 

4.

Magnus is distracted as he makes his way out of the infirmary, looking for an empty hallway to make a portal out of the institute. The day has been a roller coaster of emotions—from heartbreak with Alec, to indecision with Ragnor, then the pure adrenaline of Alec's wedding. Then he's trying to plan a date with Alec and, because fate hates him, they get derailed by Lydia's injury. Magnus left Alec with the others to consult the footage while he did his best to reverse the damage that Hodge had inflicted on Lydia. 

By the time she's stable and recovering, he's both emotionally and physically exhausted. Which is why he doesn't notice Alec until he's crashing into him. Alec immediately grabs onto his biceps to prevent him from falling. 

"Woah, careful," Alec says softly. Magnus notices a tiny smudge of his makeup on Alec's white shirt. "Are you leaving?"

Magnus nods, "Lydia's fine and I need to contact the Dumort before Clary—"

"Magnus," Alec interrupts him, concern in his voice. "It's fine, go get some rest. Don't worry about our problems."

Magnus wants to protest but Alec doesn't let him, guiding Magnus to a quiet alcove where he can safely portal out. Magnus smiles appreciatively and forms the portal, though he's reluctant to move out of the grasp of Alec's hands.

Alec smiles, seemingly just as reluctant to let go. He squeezes Magnus' arms and then releases him. 

"Text me when you get home safely," he says and then turns away, heading further into the institute and away from Magnus. Magnus tries to remember that Alec chose _him_ as fear grips his heart momentarily, before calming as he steps through the portal into his loft. It's only been a minute, but Magnus still texts Alec.

Magnus: _I'm home._

Alec: _Good. Go to sleep._

It's brief, almost demanding, but it's so _Alec_ that Magnus can't do anything but listen.

5.

"Alexander, I can't do it."

"Magnus..."

"I'm serious, I _can't_ do it. I've never been good enough at this."

Alex holds Magnus' face in the palms of his hands, staring at him with such intensity it's overwhelming as he says, "Magnus, you can do this. I believe in you."

"That's lovely, dear," Magnus steps out of the grip of Alec's hands and back to the kitchen counter. He picks up a piping bag full of frosting and stares down at a tray of undecorated cookies. "But blind faith can only get you so far." 

"What if I guide you?" Alec asks. He already has a full tray of beautifully decorated cookies in front of him. It's nothing creative, but the lines and circles are extremely precise and clean. _Archer's hands_ Alec had said, but Magnus was thinking more _accuracy rune_. 

Magnus doesn't immediately say no, so Alec moves behind him and wraps his arms around Magnus. He covers Magnus' hands with his larger ones and positions them over a blank cookie. 

Without any further conversation, Alec gently squeezes his hands to make the frosting come out and moves the two of them. Magnus is a little breathless at the intimacy of it (and suddenly Careless Whisper is stuck in his head) and doesn't notice what Alec is drawing until they're done.

"Is that a cat?" Magnus laughs. Alec doesn't seem to be able to draw that well either, because it only barely resembles a cat at all. Alec starts laughing too, still pressed against his back, and they quickly give up on trying to decorate the remaining cookies in favor of more enjoyable activities. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ways to say I love you in this chapter were:  
Are you okay?  
This made me think of you.  
You can have half.  
Text me when you get home safely.  
I believe in you.


	2. a mighty ocean or a gentle kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5 more stories of Alec giving Magnus the love and care he deserves!

6.

"M'nuth!" Alec greets him joyfully as he picks up Magnus' call. His words are muffled, as if his mouth was full of cotton or—

"Are you eating?" 

Alec had literally just eaten a large breakfast an hour ago at the loft. Magnus normally wouldn't even call him in the middle of the day, but he forgot to ask him something and _maybe_ he just wants to hear Alec's voice again.

"Mhmm." There's an audible swallowing sound, which Magnus cringes at, and then Alec explains, "Clary made cake! It's so _good_."

"Okay," Magnus replies, dragging the sound out to show his confusion. Were they celebrating something that he forgot about? Alec usually hates complimenting Clary or doing anything resembling _fun_ inside the institute. 

"It's got these little sparkly hearts on the top of it," Alec keeps going, as if it was the cake Magnus was curious about rather than the reason behind the cake. "The hearts are pink and the frosting is blue, it reminded me of you."

Damn him for always knowing exactly how to make Magnus' heart melt when he should be doing something important. 

"I saved you a piece, do you want me to bring it now?" Again, Magnus thinks about how they just saw each other an hour ago. It would probably be too desperate and clingy if he said he wanted to see Alec again. Alec has a lot of work to do, and Magnus just had a quick question. 

He makes the portal appear in Alec's office anyway. 

Alec steps out with a slice of cake and a grin, "Hey, babe."

"Hello, Alexander."

Magnus reaches out for a kiss, but Alec materializes a fork out of seemingly nowhere and declares, "You've _got_ to try a bite!"

Magnus pretends to be annoyed when Alec feeds him, but the memory keeps him smiling all day.

7\. 

Darkness envelops their bedroom, the only light coming from the moon and stars shining through the open window. It's summer, so the light breeze is refreshing instead of freezing. Magnus wasn't worried about getting cold, though, as his magic had always kept him warm. (Except when it was gone, and Magnus had refused to cover up, told himself the bone-deep cold was what he deserved.)

Plus, Alec wraps around him like an octopus when they sleep, and even if Alec complains about feeling cold, he always feels hot to the touch. The open window was a necessity if Magnus didn't want to sweat his ass off all night.

Alec shifts behind him, as if he knows Magnus is thinking about him. Though, when was he _not_ thinking about Alec?

As if on cue, Alec mumbles into his shoulder, "What are you thinking about?"

He's thinking of a lot of things, but instead he brings up the question that was on his mind since Alec had come back at nearly midnight. 

"Why do you always come back here?"

"I live here?" Alec replies and Magnus smacks one of the arms wrapped around his stomach. 

"I mean when it's late and you're dead on your feet. You have a bedroom in the institute you could stay in." Magnus doesn't _want_ him to sleep away from home, but he also doesn't want him to fall asleep mid-portal and end up in god knows where.

"Oh," Alec breathes out. His grip around Magnus tightens, just a bit too tight and the perfect amount of possessive that makes Magnus weak. "Because you make me feel safe."

In typical Alec fashion, he doesn't continue. Just drops a confession and leaves Magnus to react how he chooses. And in typical _Magnus_ fashion, he can't think of anything to say that isn't self-deprecating or sad. _I can't always keep you safe. I don't deserve this. You're better off with them, with your people_.

Magnus settles on "You make me feel safe, too," because it's true.

"Good," Alec is back to nuzzling into the crook of Magnus' neck, breathing hot air along Magnus' bare skin. He sounds tired again. "Always gon' protect you."

For once, Magnus' heart just lets him accept it and doesn't offer any protests.

8\. 

They don't get to have a real, private conversation until they're out of the institute. Catarina had made the portal for them, insisting that Magnus shouldn't lift a finger on his wedding day. The portal took them to a beautiful seaside house on a tiny, secluded island. It's warm and sunny and Magnus thinks they're both _way_ too clothed to be acceptable.

When they finish setting their things down, Magnus turns to find Alec staring at him with a lazy smile. It's the exact same look Alec had given him that morning (god, it was only _hours_ ago that they were planning their wedding and here they are) and Magnus settles against his chest in much the same way as he had before.

"What is it now?" Magnus asks, matching Alec's smile with a grin of his own. He's just so _happy_, what can he say?

"I can't believe you chose me," Alec replies, wrapping an arm around Magnus' waist. "_Me_, out of everyone in the world." 

"I told you—"

"I know," Alec rolls his eyes. "Just let me have my moment." 

Magnus huffs, but doesn't say anything. Alec stares at him adoringly, eyes roaming all over his face and his smile never waning. Magnus tries to remain patient, but after a full minute of silence, he breaks.

"While I love looking at that handsome face of yours, can you _please_ take my clothes off already?"

Alec grins, chides "so impatient" and then they don't do much talking after that.

9.

"Alexander, I won't be able to make it for dinner," Magnus says instead of a greeting as soon as Alec picks up the phone. They didn't have any grand plans tonight, but the uncertainty of their lines of work makes dinner together an important event. Magnus is loathe to miss it, but there's not much he can do about it.

"Is everything okay?" Alec asks.

"Yes, there's just a lot more werewolf children than we expected, and they're all quite spooked." There had been an attack in Greenwich, some sort of pack rivalry issue, and many wolves had been killed. Luke was lending his expertise to the remaining adults, so Magnus offered to handle the children.

"What do you need me to do?"

Magnus splutters in a rather inelegant fashion, "What? Alexander, I didn't call you so you could help."

"I know," Alec says and Magnus can hear the frown in his voice even over the phone. "But you said there were children, right? I can't heal them but maybe I can do something..."

Alec trails off and Magnus sighs, "We have it under control, dear, don't worry about it. Just make sure you leave me some leftovers."

"Magnus," Alec matches Magnus' sigh with one of his own. "I said: _what do you need me to do_?" 

Alec's voice lowers slightly, takes on that no-nonsense tone that he usually reserves for their bedroom (or the balcony, or the shower, or Alec's office, or one memorable time in an elevator, or—

Right. _Focus, Magnus_.)

"I appreciate it, Alexander, but truthfully I don't think a Shadowhunter showing up is going to be much help."

And it's the truth, as much as Magnus wants him to be there. Alec was great with kids, and his presence would be comforting for Magnus, but it's not a good idea.

Alec accepts it, however unwillingly. "Fine, but please keep me updated. Luke's there, right? And Cat?"

Magnus _mhmms_, already distracted by Catarina waving him over to look at something. He gives her a _one minute_ gesture. 

"Okay, good," Alec says. "Stay safe and tell them I said hello. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Twenty minutes after their call Luke shows up. He asks Magnus how he's doing and then hovers around, clearly watching Magnus and not doing much else. Magnus suspects Alec's to blame for that, as well as the way Cat keeps monitoring his magic levels, but Magnus can't find it in himself to complain about the babying. Alec had found a way to help him, anyway, even from home.

10.

After the whirlwind evening of Alec's wedding and then the disaster of their drinks at Hunter's Moon, their second date is much tamer in comparison.

They finally made it to the Ethopian place Magnus had originally suggested and Alec looks pleased, if not nervous, as he sits across from Magnus and reads the menu. Alec had come to his door thirty minutes early for their date, wearing a blazer and dress shoes and holding a bouquet. 

"For you," Alec had said confidently, and then got a bit flustered as he continued, "I mean, obviously they're for you. They're not for someone else. Or for me."

The date continues in a similar fashion, with Alec being charming and flirty without even fully intending to be. Magnus felt like the inexperienced one, with how giddy and anxious he feels. 

Alec deferred to Magnus' judgment when it came to ordering food, and they enjoyed a lovely meal and dessert before walking to Magnus' place together. They chatted the whole way back, but Alec seemed distracted. They stop in front of the building, and Magnus feels disappointed even if they had already discussed that Alec has to be up early tomorrow. 

The feeling goes away quickly, though, when Alec puts his hands tentatively on Magnus' waist. Magnus takes the opportunity to step into Alec's space more closely. Alec's grip tightens and loosens periodically and he's staring down at Magnus' mouth. 

"Magnus," Alec's eyes flick up to meet Magnus' for a moment before they're back to focusing on his lips. "Can I kiss you?"

Magnus lets out a surprised laugh. "Can you— We've already kissed before, you don't have to ask."

Alec shakes his head, the movement small enough that it'd be easy to miss if they weren't so close. Magnus isn't sure what he's saying _no_ to, but it's probably the suggestion that he doesn't need to ask permission first. Alec repeats, "Can I kiss you?"

And Magnus says yes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ways to say I love you in this chapter were:  
I saved you a piece.  
You make me feel safe.  
I can’t believe you chose me.  
What do you need me to do?  
Can I kiss you?


	3. i will love you without any strings attached

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another 5! This one is a lot longer, because I'm a sucker for 1x06 and also I had Things I Wanted to Say in this one I guess.

11\. 

Alec has a mouth full of food when Magnus suddenly stands up from the table, his own plate empty. 

"Are you all done, love?" Magnus asks. There are a few containers open on the table between them, most half-full of the food they ordered. Alec normally eats about twice as much as Magnus on a training or patrol day, but Magnus wasn't sure if he was going to want thirds.

Alec nods as he swallows. Magnus claps once and says, "Okay, I'll just send the rest of this to the fridge."

Before he can do anything, Alec is jumping up and exclaiming, "Wait!"

Alec isn't normally this passionate about food, but it _was_ really good Chinese. Alec grabs onto his wrists, preventing him from making his typical movements. Magnus could probably still do the simple magic without the gestures to channel it, but he can tell Alec doesn't want him to.

"I got it, you can just go rest," Alec says. He starts gathering the empty dishes into a pile, but Magnus stops him in a similar fashion, gripping one of Alec's wrists.

"Why the sudden interest in housework?" 

"You always do it," Alec explains. Magnus isn't certain, but he almost looks disappointed that his husband cleans everything before he can do it. _What a problem to have_, Magnus thinks. "You don't have to always take care of everything. I'll do it."

Magnus opens his mouth, a protest already on his tongue, but Alec stops him. "If you want to help, just come keep me company while I do the dishes."

Magnus is confused, which is an emotion he doesn't feel often, but he lets Alec's wrist go. Alec manages to balance the dirty dishes and all the food containers in his large hands and Magnus silently follows him to the kitchen. He doesn't remember ever having a lover who _wanted_ to do chores, not when Magnus could just snap his fingers and they could move on to more fun activities. But Alec is neurotic and needs to have control over situations, so it only makes sense that he enjoys cleaning. 

Alec fills the sink with water and gestures towards the counter across from the sink. Magnus raises an eyebrow but he understands the request and sits on the countertop. 

Alec waits until he's turned away from Magnus, starting to clean their minimal amount of dirty dishes, to ask, "Why do you always do that?"

"Try to help you?" Magnus asks, slightly offended. Alec moves in a way that implies he rolled his eyes. 

"Not that, I mean why do you always try to handle everything? Even for," Alec pauses, his scrubbing gets more forceful. Magnus wonders why Alec is even mad about this. "Even for our wedding, you nearly drained yourself just conjuring all the flowers."

Magnus still remembers that day—he will never forget—and Alec saying _I was hoping maybe we could plan_ and he thinks he understands. "I'm sorry I didn't let you help plan."

"That's what I mean!" Alec releases the dish that he wasn't really cleaning anyway and turns to face Magnus, hands soapy and wet. "You do everything before I can help, and then _apologize_ for it."

Alec seems to realize that he sounds mad, so he relaxes. His voice goes softer, more sad, "You don't have to do everything because you're a warlock. I want to help. I want to take care of you. It's what I promised, right? _I will love you as my equal_."

Magnus looks away. Alec reciting part of their vows back to him makes him so _happy_, but the direction this conversation is going has the opposite effect. Lovers had always complained he wasn't enough for them, and now Alec is upset because he's too much. 

Magnus _wants_ to tell him about the secret fear in the back corners of his heart. The paranoia that exists just in his peripheral, always there and unable to be ignored. But is it paranoia if it was proven to be true? Is it so crazy to believe that Alec will leave him again if he isn't good enough, useful enough, magical enough? _I didn't know the spark inside of you, the one I fell in love with, was out for good._

Alec moves toward him, steps into the space between his spread legs. His hands are still wet, though the soap bubbles are gone now, but Magnus can't even feel it when Alec rests his hands on Magnus' thighs. 

"Magnus," Alec says, but it sounds like _my love, my darling, my everything_. It's enough to make Magnus speak.

"If I don't take care of you," he says, voice barely above a whisper. He hates the way his emotions are already choking him, making tears well up. "If I don't fix your problems and make your life easier, you'll realize there's no reason to stay."

Alec is silent and Magnus can't bring himself to look at him, but now that he's started he can't stop.

"My magic is my value. If I don't use it to take care of the ones I love, what kind of person does that make me? Who am I if not _Magnus Bane, the protector?_ Doesn't loving someone mean shielding them?" Magnus isn't sure if he makes sense anymore, if there's any coherence in his spilled insecurities, but Alec finds meaning in them anyway. 

"If _you're_ the shield that's not loving someone, that's serving them," Alec puts his hands over Magnus', wrapping his fingers around the fists that Magnus is making. "Your value is your knowledge, your care, your wisdom. Wasn't it you who told me _you have to live for yourself_?"

The truth comes out before Magnus can draw it back. Alec always lowered his inhibitions in the worst way. "I don't know how."

"I'll help you," Alec replies. "I'll help you find the answer. We'll figure it out together."

It's not a solution, and Alec isn't a therapist. Alec's own opinion of his worth is _also_ tied to his ability to take care of others, to protect them—a product of being the oldest and a leader.

"Let's just start with this," Alec offers. He steps back and Magnus lets him go, too drained to properly express how much he wants to just be held, the dishes be damned. "I'll do the dishes, and we can talk. We'll watch a movie, your choice."

Magnus smiles and tries to lighten the mood with, "Can we have ice cream too?"

"Only if I go buy it," Alec retorts, and the heaviness passes. It's a step forward, if nothing else.

12\. 

"Stay for one more drink," Magnus says. (Asks, pleads, _begs_.) "And then decide."

Alec smiles, one side turned up higher than the other in a way that says he tried—and failed—to fight its appearance. It's sickeningly charming, but Magnus knows that he's already way too gone for this man. Alec could do _anything_ and Magnus would feel charmed by it, the weight of his affection both feather-light and heavy as stone. Magnus feels like he's been stuck in Alec's orbit his whole life; isn't sure what life was like before he was drawn in.

"Okay," Alec replies and takes a big gulp of his drink, as if he needed the liquid courage in order to deny, however indirectly, his mother's wishes. When Alec cringes, swallows, then asks for another, Magnus thinks that's probably exactly what it was.

Magnus makes Alec's next drink much weaker, and he carries it over to the coffee table instead of handing it to him. With a wave of his free hand, the couch is perfectly clean.

"Hey," Alec chides, frowning down at Magnus, then the couch, then back to Magnus. "I thought we agreed no magic?"

"_I_ never agreed to anything," Magnus says airily, settling himself on the couch and waiting for Alec to do the same. "Didn't your parents teach you to never trust a warlock unless you get it in writing?"

Alec's still frowning but he sits down too, albeit tentatively, like he expects it to be wet with cleaning solution. He says, "They taught me a lot of things."

He doesn't elaborate, but Magnus is well aware of what he means. Though if it's the racism or the homophobia Alec is thinking of, he's not sure.

It's silent for a moment, both of them sipping their drinks at a leisurely pace. Then Alec asks, "Was it hard?"

Magnus' instinct is to make a joke, but making suggestive jokes is probably not the best way to keep Alec around and talking to him. So instead he just asks, "Was what hard?"

"Helping Luke, making the potion," Alec pauses, seemingly searching for words and absentmindedly staring at his cocktail. "Using my energy."

It's a hard question to answer. How do you explain magic to someone that has never had to wield it? Shadowhunter runes and weapons are as much magic as what he does, but they would never call it that. It's a blessing, a tool, never something so dirty as _magic_. 

"Not difficult, per se, but exhausting," Magnus settles on and Alec hums in acknowledgment but doesn't say anything else. 

There's another silent moment between them. Alec finishes his drink and, with a snap, Magnus fills it up again. Alec looks mildly surprised and almost drops the glass.

"Sorry, habit," Magnus offers because the silence makes his skin crawl, makes him think he's fucking up even without doing anything. "You'll get used to it."

As soon as the words leave his mouth he regrets them. What does he think he's doing here? Alec won't have time to get used to anything, because it's extremely unlikely they'll have anything more than these drinks together once Jocelyn is awoken. Magnus is setting himself up for heartache if he thinks they could be something. Even with as much as he _wants_, Magnus knowsthis. 

Alec seems unaware of his internal stress and says, "Right. I'll probably be head of the institute soon, so we'll see each other a lot."

Magnus can't help the laugh that bubbles up, "You mean I'll come by once a decade to do your wards."

Alec finally, _finally_ looks at him and to no surprise, he's still frowning. It seems to be his default expression, most of the time, except when Magnus manages to coax out a shy smile.

"No, not just that. I want to meet all the Downworld leaders," Alec pulls at a loose string on his jeans but still looks at Magnus, his expression morphing into determination and purpose. It's the kind of face Shadowhunters usually make before they aim for his eyes. "Make a sort of cabinet, or something. I don't know."

Magnus thinks of the other leaders—Camille and Luke and the Seelie Queen—and thinks _it'll never happen_. But he says, "That's a great idea, Alexander."

Alec scoffs and leans back against the couch more comfortably. Magnus hadn't even noticed his stiff soldier's posture until it was suddenly gone. It's probably the drinks, Alec's third one half-way gone, but Magnus hopes the other man is also feeling comfortable. 

"Nobody else seems to think so," he explains. "Jace says it's pointless, Izzy thinks it won't work. I haven't even bothered to ask my parents."

Magnus has less than fond memories of the Lightwoods, to put it lightly. He smiles encouragingly at Alec even as he says, "Probably for the best. Maryse and Robert aren't exactly... open to suggestions."

Alec laughs, bright and open, and Magnus wants to save the moment forever. He's _beautiful_, and Magnus thinks of the Mona Lisa, Starry Night, David. It's not lost on him that all those great works of art are beautiful to look at but forbidden to touch. 

"That's putting it lightly," Alec replies between laughs. "If it's not about fighting demons or gaining power, they don't want to hear it."

Magnus nods and Alec continues, "All my life it's been _Don't talk back_ and _We know best_ and _You'll understand when you're older_ and—"

Alec cuts himself off and all at once the openness of his body language is gone. Whatever he was going to say had scared him and Magnus knew he had to tread lightly if he didn't want to push Alec away forever. But before Magnus can even say anything, Alec returns to the determined expression from before and says, in a voice pitched higher to imitate his mother, "_Don't embarrass us, Alec_."

Somehow Magnus thinks this is more than just a child making a mess at the dinner table. The statement holds weight for Alec, and the word _abomination_ springs to mind. 

Alec sighs, goes back to staring at his empty glass and mutters so quietly Magnus can barely hear it, "They probably always knew."

_Knew about me, about what made me different_, Magnus finishes the thought in his head. He feels overcome with sympathy and painful reminders of his own journeys to self-acceptance. 

"Alexander," is all he can say, voice bordering on pity in a way Magnus can't control. 

"I don't know why I'm telling you all this," Alec pauses, seeming to think about exactly _why_. Magnus' heart feels like it slows down, just waiting for whatever Alec has to say before deciding whether it will speed up or stop completely. "I just feel like... It's like I've known you all my life."

Magnus' heart is still at a normal speed but it _aches_—to reach out and touch Alec, to be let into his life for more than one night, for someone to love him the way he had so desperately hoped that Camille did. The problem with opening your heart to someone is that suddenly it's open to _everything_ and Magnus has no defense for the way Alec speaks to him like he's someone worth speaking to, even when Magnus himself had been convinced he was not.

But Magnus can't _say_ this, of course. He knew that he always falls too fast, too soon but this is a bit much, even for him. So he scrounges up what defenses his can find, braces himself for attack the same way he does when he's choosing outfits or makeup in the morning. He laughs and waves a hand in some meaningless, fluid gesture. 

"I tend to have that effect on people," he says, and then changes the topic. "Now tell me about that sister of yours."

Alec lights up—Magnus' guess of him being a family man and protective big brother completely correct—and they talk about lighter topics until Alec falls asleep. Magnus is too on edge to sleep himself (and he's constantly bothered by the way his wards are blaring _Shadowhunter! Shadowhunter!_ at him) but he busies himself with cleaning up and trying to not think about _It's like I've known you my whole life_. He fails, of course, and he looks at Alec and thinks, _me too_. 

13.

Magnus is making tea when suddenly there's a symphony of crashes and yells from the living room. He isn't too concerned, knowing the capabilities of the people making the noise, but then Alec calls out for him and his heart starts beating a little faster.

"Magnus," Alec shouts, voice muffled in a way that sounds like he's having trouble breathing. "Magnus!"

Upon arrival to the other room (and _no_ he didn't drop his tea and rush in here like a worried parent, of course not) he sees Alec sprawled on the floor in front of the couch, Madzie's small body sitting directly on his chest.

"Magnus, a warlock is attacking me," Alec says, and now that he can see him Magnus realizes it's more of a whine than a groan of pain. Madzie isn't actually using any magic that he can see. 

Madzie makes a growling noise and says, "I'm not a warlock, I'm a dragon!"

She makes more growling and roaring noises, and moves her hands in the universal 'animal claws' gesture, fingers curled forward and pretending to scratch. 

"Magnus, a dragon is gonna eat me," Alec rolls with the character change easily enough, making an effort to pretend to struggle and dodge Madzie's hands. "Help me, Magnus. I need you!"

More roars.

"I don't know, Alec," Magnus replies, leaning one hip against the couch and looking down at them. His heart, his soul, his magic is reaching out towards the two of them, singing _familyfamilyfamily_ in a way that makes Magnus feel weak. "A dragon is a big deal, maybe I should call another warlock."

"You can't run away!" Madzie declares. She bounces joyfully even as she acts like a villain, and Magnus can hear the soft noises Alec makes in reaction to the weight continuously bouncing on his chest. 

"Another warlock can't help me, I need _you_!"

Magnus looks at his wonderful husband, playing with their niece, saying things like _I need you_ and he's unable to resist. He rushes forward and scoops Madzie up in his arms, spinning her around and shouting, "Run, Alec! I defeated the dragon!"

He quickly puts Madzie down before she gets sick, and she sets off running after one of the cats, still roaring and growling and declaring, "I'm a dragon! I'm gonna eat you!"

They both watch her as she goes and Magnus turns to Alec, wrapping his arms around him.

"My hero," Alec swoons, Magnus barely holding on to the weight of him, and Magnus decides to shut him up with a kiss. 

14.

"Would you stop _staring_ at me?" Magnus doesn't even move as he says it, knowing Alec was watching him the same way he had been the last hour. Though if Alec was looking at the side of his face or the curve of his ass, he can't say.

"I love watching you work," Alec replies, ignoring the request completely. Typical stubborn idiot that he is. Magnus adores him.

The curiosity was always there, ever since he first saw one of Magnus' potions help heal Luke. But now that they've had sex for the first time (and consequently the second, and third, and—) and Alec has free reign over Magnus' apartment, he's getting bolder.

He had been asking questions the first half hour, and Magnus almost prefers that to the content silence Alec had switched to when Magnus had told him, more or less, to shut the hell up. 

"Do you need help?" Alec offers again, and Magnus finally takes him up on it.

"Yes, actually," he says. "Can you get the ginger from the shelves?"

Alec stands up immediately and goes to scan the bottle labels even as he asks, "Ginger? Really?"

"Hey, not every ingredient has to be magical," Magnus laughs. He can't move on with the potion until he has the ingredient, so he looks up to watch Alec. 

Alec is staring at the bottles in concentration, all furrowed brows and lips pressed together. If he needs to look at a label more closely (some are turned away from him, or faded with age), he'll pick up the bottle slowly, with the utmost care. Magnus can imagine he feels like a bull in a china shop. 

After another minute of careful browsing, Magnus realizes Alec doesn't even know what ginger looks like. _Those poor Shadowhunters_, Magnus thinks. _With their bland, unseasoned food._

"It's alphabetical, dear," Magnus tells him, and Alec jumps at the sudden noise, looking embarrassed at his reaction and the fact that he didn't notice the order of the bottles. 

With Magnus' help, Alec easily finds the right bottle and brings it to him. Magnus holds his hand out and Alec places the bottle gently in his palm, using the opportunity to pull Magnus close and kiss his cheek. Then Alec departs as quickly as he came, and he moves back to the chair he had been observing Magnus from.

Another ten minutes go by, and then Alec asks, "Do you need any _more_ help?" and Magnus groans.

15\. 

"Last chance," Magnus whispers in the limited space between them. He's aiming for joking but he misses completely, landing somewhere between desperate and terrified. "I won't be upset."

It's a lie, because of course he'd be upset, but he wouldn't be _mad_. He's already spent the last few months trying to convince Alec out of the terrible mistake he's making. But once Alec decides something, that's it, and Magnus knows this better than anyone. 

Alec grips his hands tighter, smiles like he isn't doing something life-changing and dangerous, "I'm not changing my mind."

_You should_, he thinks. But his heart cries out _please don't_. His magic has no comment, but the energy is rising around them, focused on the intricate designs on the ground surrounding them. 

Alec seems to read his mind.

"Nothing is going to stop me from doing this, from loving you," Alec promises. The clean air of the forest around them turns hot, smoky, and the sky darkens. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You make me happy, always, no matter what. I'm yours, for as long as you'll have me."

The ground beneath them feels like it's shaking, and a strong wind has picked up, sending up leaves and dust. Magnus stares back into Alec's eyes, lets their foreheads press together, breathes in. 

"Always," Magnus answers. "Forever. I'm yours, too."

Alec grins, repeats _Forever_ and the magic engulfs them completely. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ways to say I love you in this chapter were:  
I'll do it.  
It's like I've known you all my life.  
I need you.  
Do you need help?  
You make me happy.
> 
> As a note: I fucking love 1x06 and have a lot of feelings about it. Also Magnus taking care of everything as a defense mechanism (as in 11) is also something I have feelings about. I went vague on 15 because I don't have a solid immortal husbands HC yet.


	4. and what a privilege it is to love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five more moments of Alec loving and taking care of Magnus.

16.

The first night it happens, Magnus assumes the lack of his husband's comforting presence in their bed is the cause. He's no stranger to nightmares, so he shakes through it, downs a calming potion, and goes back to bed. 

The second night is worse than the first, even with Alec now back from his business trip. Alec holds him tightly in his sleep, as he always does after he spends time away from Magnus, and the weight of him keeps Magnus from twisting and turning too much.

By the third night, Magnus slides out of bed after only an hour of fitful sleep. He conjures a cup of tea and steps outside onto the balcony, shivering slightly despite the wards keeping it pleasantly warm. The light pollution of New York makes it impossible to see any stars, but Magnus keeps his head tilted up towards the sky anyway. 

He doesn't want to wake Alec, so he forgoes the usual distractions of music or movies. He tries a book—one of Alec's that he left lying around—but he can't focus. The nightmare comes back to him in flashes, a mixture of real memories and terrifying what-ifs from his imagination. 

The weight of his father's hand on his shoulder grabbing and pushing. Raphael's pale skin burning under his crucifix. Alec's chest heaving, his own arrow embedded deep, and then eventually stopping. Madzie screaming and reaching out to him. Demons flooding his home, passing through the wards like water, destroying everything and ripping him apart, grabbing Alec and—

"Magnus?"

Magnus jumps, his eyes snapping open from when they slipped closed without him noticing. He sees nothing but black sky at first, and then Alec's face appears. 

"Is everything alright?"

Magnus sits up straighter and watches as Alec settles on the other side of the couch from him. He looks at Magnus curiously, with an edge of concern in his tired eyes. He keeps blinking to keep them open and his voice is raspy, as if he was woken up suddenly.

Magnus ignores his question and asks his own, "Did I wake you up, dear? I'm sorry."

Alec shakes his head _no_, which also serves as a way to wake himself up a bit more.

"I reached for you but you weren't there," Alec explains, giving a little shrug.

"It still sounds like it's my fault," Magnus replies softly. He looks away from Alec to his lap, rubbing his fingers together absentmindedly. Alec reaches out a hand to cover Magnus' and his fidgeting stops. 

"It's okay," Alec says as he squeezes Magnus' hand and shifts closer. "I couldn't sleep anyway. Not without you there."

Alec squeezes his hand again and Magnus looks up at him. Alec has his eyebrows raised slightly in question and Magnus gives him a tiny nod. Without speaking they both shift into a familiar position, with Alec leaning back against a corner of the couch and Magnus lying across his chest. Alec holds him a touch too tightly, as expected, but Magnus just presses in close and listens to Alec's heartbeat. 

It feels like hours later when Alec continues, "You don't have to deal with it alone, y'know? I always wake up when I can't sense you there anyway." 

Magnus thinks of every lover and friend he pushed away in the past, every person who couldn't handle the depth of his trauma, and subconsciously he's shaking his head against Alec's chest. Alec is already overworked, he's not going to wake him up every time he feels sad. Neither of them would ever sleep at that rate.

Alec sighs, and Magnus can feel the way his chest moves with the action more than he can hear it.

"I'm serious, Magnus. Just wake me up."

"No."

Alec lets out a small surprised laugh at Magnus' immediate refusal. He attempts to reign it in because it's not a funny moment, but he can't help but reply, "_Yes_."

This time Magnus sighs. 

"If I wake you up every time I can't sleep—"

Alec sees the opportunity and goes for it. 

"We'll spend more time together, _ugh_."

Magnus laughs this time too, eyes crinkling up as he weakly slaps at one of Alec's arms. Alec had this uncanny ability to know when Magnus needs to laugh (or cry or be held or break something) and before he even realizes it, the tension is bleeding out of him and the memories of his dreams fading away. 

"Just think about it, okay?" Alec says, pulling Magnus closer for a second. "I love you." 

"I love you too," Magnus replies. He leans up and Alec meets him for a lazy kiss, and they spend the rest of the night wrapped up in silence until daybreak. 

17.

Friday nights at Pandemonium are, to put it mildly, _wild_. 

It's been a few months since Magnus made an appearance at his club. The last time he was wrapped up in shadowhunter business and attempting to save his people from certain death, so he didn't really have time to appreciate it like he usually does.

But now Valentine is gone (as well as Lilith and Jonathan and his father and every other threat they've dealt with lately) and Magnus finally has time to check in on his favorite of all his business ventures. 

He knows eventually he'll have to make his way to his office and deal with resumes and purchasing orders, but for now? Now he's here to _dance_.

Magnus drank a little before arriving, the kids call it 'pre-gaming' he thinks, and then was quickly wrapped up in round after round of celebratory shots. Now he's pleasantly on the edge between tipsy and drunk and making his way to the middle of the dance floor. Within seconds he's enveloped in the crowd, bodies pressing in from all angles. 

Behind him he can sense a group of young warlocks dancing in a circle. To his left is a mundane and a seelie doing more kissing than actual dancing, and in front of him are two gorgeous werewolves who are beckoning him towards the small space between them. The more masculine one isn't really his type, small and blond, but the woman he recognizes as a regular. She has biceps that rival his own, so it's an easy decision to slide between them. He feels a brief flash of guilt when they move closer and lead him in a sort of slow grind, but Alec had spent an hour that morning convincing him to even go to the club, so he tries to relax.

("Babe, I trust you. I love you. I want you to have fun."

"I _know_ but there are implicit expectations and—"

"Magnus."

"—I would _never_ but I can't control what others do or say—"

"Magnus! Relax, love."

"Alexander, I just..."

"It's _okay_. I want you to dance and drink and have fun, even if I can't come tonight. Please?"

"...Okay.")

They dance together for a few songs before Magnus glides away to a small platform that is slightly elevated above the dance floor. There's less people up there so Magnus has some space to dance freely. His eyes sweep over the dance floor, watching the crowd and noticing how strange it feels to be looking but not for anything in particular.

He's in the middle of singing along to one of his favorite songs at the top of his lungs (he might be a _little_ past drunk by now) when a body comes up behind him, pressing against his back and wrapping their arms around him possessively. 

Magnus tenses, but then a familiar voice says, "You come here often?"

Magnus turns in Alec's arms and laughs at him, "That's the best you got?"

"Would you rather I say '_More like medium rare'_?" Alec smirks at him. Magnus is drunk and happy and surprised to see Alec, so he doesn't bother to reply to the teasing before dragging Alec down in a deep kiss. 

They stand there and kiss, slowly and thoroughly in a way that is probably too much for public, before the song changing makes Magnus break away. He pulls back as much as he can with Alec's grip on him and takes in Alec's outfit. 

While Magnus is dressed for a club—leather pants with laces up the sides, a gauzy shirt unbuttoned enough to show the body chain underneath, heavy eyeliner—Alec looks just like he did that morning. His blazer is gone, but he's still in a dark green top buttoned all the way to his throat and black slacks. Alec could probably leave the club and walk straight into a meeting with the Clave without incident, and that just won't do.

Alec watches as Magnus blatantly checks him out and when Magnus seems done, he rolls his eyes and explains, "I got out early and came right over."

Magnus nods, sliding his hands up Alec's chest to his shoulders as he asks, "May I?"

"Go ahead."

Magnus unbuttons three buttons of Alec's shirt, rolls the sleeves up to his elbows, and runs his fingers through Alec's hair a few times. After another moment of careful consideration, he undoes a fourth button. 

"Satisfied?" Alec trails his fingers up and down Magnus' spine, tracing along the edges of the chain he can feel underneath his shirt.

"Will you let me put some eyeliner on you?" Magnus asks in return, answering Alec's fingers with his own slow tracing of Alec's collarbone.

"Will I let you near my eyeballs with a pencil when you're this drunk? Hell no."

Magnus pouts dramatically up at him and Alec silences any complaints with another filthy kiss. When they break apart, Magnus forgets what they were talking about.

The song changes into something Alec actually recognizes, if the way his face lights up is any indication, and he moves Magnus closer to murmur in his ear, "Can I have this dance?"

Magnus grins against Alec's neck, biting gently at his deflect rune as a reply. He giggles at the formality of the question, but it quickly turns into a groan when Alec slots a thigh between Magnus' legs and grinds forward. Magnus lets Alec take the lead, even if Alec's still not fully accustomed to the way people are supposed to dance in clubs. 

After another five songs or so, Alec leads him to the VIP area to rest and drink some water, the crowd parting easily for them despite how packed it is. After they both drink entire bottles of water, the DJ puts on a sort of slower R&B track. (Magnus makes a mental note to talk about Friday-night-appropriate music at the next staff meeting.)

Alec gets up from the couch they were sitting on to hold out a hand to Magnus. He asks again, "Can I have this dance?"

Magnus takes his hand and lets himself be pulled up as he replies, "Since you asked so kindly."

Alec smiles down at him, soft and hazy in a way that is part Magnus' intoxication and part Alec's adoration. They slowly sway in each other's arms for the duration of the song, and they continue even when the music goes back to its usual mix of 90s rap and modern pop songs. When Alec sighs out an, "I love you" and kisses Magnus' temple, he thinks this might be the best dance he's had all night. 

18.

Alec is in the middle of his weekly weapons maintenance routine when he gets the urge to look up and spots Magnus in the doorway. He looks stunning, of course, in nothing but soft pajama bottoms and slippers. His hair is loose and flopping over into his eyes and it reminds Alec of when he first slept over more than a year ago. 

Magnus watches him silently, only meeting Alec's eyes when Alec stops putting new runes on his arrows and sets his things down. Alec reaches out towards Magnus but doesn't move, wanting Magnus to come to him. Magnus hesitates, still unsure about stepping into what he calls _Alec's space_—an extra room Magnus added to their home after their honeymoon so that his apothecary wasn't full of steles and paperwork. The room looked almost identical to Alec's office, but with the addition of big bright windows, bookshelves, and a table for him to clean or fix his equipment. 

When Magnus doesn't move, Alec opens and closes his hand impatiently in Magnus' direction. Magnus smiles and pads in, his slippers making small noises with each step. When he's close enough, Alec pulls him in with one arm and presses a kiss to his cheek. 

"Morning, sweetheart," Alec says and then lets him go, picking up his stele again. 

"That time again?" 

"It's important to be prepared," Alec replies. It's the same line he _always_ says when Magnus finds him obsessively cleaning his blades or checking his arrows for damage. 

Magnus rolls his eyes, "You would've made a great boy scout."

"What's a boy scout?" Alec frowns. He vaguely recalls Clary telling him the same thing once. 

"Ask Simon one day," is all Magnus gives him for an explanation. Alec huffs at the thought of having to ask Simon for help understanding something, but he stays silent. 

Magnus watches Alec for another few minutes and then he mutters a quick, "Be right back," and steps out to grab a robe. Usually he would just summon it to where he stands, but there's a careful magic involved in Alec's maintenance (regardless of how much Alec denies it) and the last thing he wants to do is upset the balance just because he was lazy. He decides on the silky black robe with a dragon design on the back that he knows Alec likes and slips back into Alec's office.

When he enters, Alec has moved on from his arrows to his bows, carefully restringing his main one and his backups. He tests the strings, gently running his fingers along them and plucking, watching as they bounce back. His focus is unwavering and Magnus is captivated by Alec's single-minded attention and the way his hands move reverently over his weapons.

Staring at Alec's hands inevitably leads to staring at his arms, and tracing the lines of his runes with his eyes. Magnus catalogues all the ones he can see: soundless, angelic power, fortitude, strength, and so on. Not for the first time he notices that Alec's hands are blank and suddenly a line he read somewhere comes back to him. _A rune on the hand, a rune on the heart_.

Their wedding had been more mundane than anything else. There was a silent brother officiating, of course, but there were no runes drawn or jewelry exchanged. Even later, when they decided to do another ceremony with more time to plan, the traditions leaned towards warlocks and Indonesia. 

Alec was anything but a traditional shadowhunter, but his culture and customs were important to him nonetheless. He spent time every week re-runeing his weapons. He wore white for mourning, and black for demon hunting. He reads the Gray Book at least once a year and probably has the entire thing memorized, even if Clary's appearance has resulted in a few additions to it. 

And yet, here Alec is, in a marriage his people won't recognize with no runes to show for it. A wave of sadness washes over Magnus and causes him to ask, before he can think too much about it, "Doesn't it upset you?"

Alec looks up at him in surprise and asks, "My bowstrings breaking all the time? I'm used to it actually. Izzy is working on something stronger these days."

"No, I—" Magnus cuts himself off. The regret and guilt chokes him suddenly, and he's not sure why this is bothering him so much right now. _But isn't that what I do? Ruin a happy moment with my issues_, he thinks. 

Alec sets down his bow when he sees how shaken Magnus looks, "Magnus, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just. Your hands are empty."

"Yes," Alec replies slowly, unsure where he's going with this. "Because I put down my bow?"

"I mean there are no _runes_," Magnus explains, reaching a hand up to play with his earlobe even if there were no cuffs or earrings on it right now. 

"Oh," Alec laughs. "Drawing runes on your hands is really annoying, that's why. Most people don't do it." 

Magnus nods to show he's listening but still struggles with phrasing his concerns in a way that doesn't come off too... upset? whiny? pathetic? He's not sure, really. Even though they've been married for months now, there's a part of Magnus that is still so scared of losing Alec. Sometimes he thinks he'll _never_ lose that part of him, that little voice that keeps telling him he's weak and needy and burdensome. 

At Magnus' continued silence, Alec starts to grow more concerned.

"Magnus, love, tell me what's wrong," Alec requests, walking over to stand in front of Magnus. "I can tell there's something but I don't know what it is. I'm trying to answer your questions but I'm not sure what you're asking, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Magnus tries to smile reassuringly, but it doesn't convince Alec. "I don't know why I'm getting all choked up, to be honest."

Alec puts a hand on Magnus' cheek and says, "It's okay, you don't have to explain."

"I was just wondering about the marriage rune."

"Wedded Union."

"Yeah, that," Magnus puts a hand over Alec's where it's still on his cheek. "Don't you want it?"

Alec opens his mouth to reply but then stops, and looks contemplative. Magnus can guess he was going to reply immediately with a negative, but they both promised to be honest with each other no matter what.

"I always imagined I'd have it," Alec answers after a moment. Magnus tries to step back at the admission but Alec holds him there, bringing his free hand to Magnus' waist. "But I always imagined I'd be trapped in a loveless marriage, too, Magnus." 

"Alexander..."

"It doesn't bother me," Alec insists, trying to stop Magnus' sadness before it can even manifest. "Really, it doesn't."

"It bothers _me_, a little bit, to be honest."

"Why?"

Magnus sighs, sliding his hand down Alec's arm until he reaches the hand on his waist, and then holding on tightly. 

"It's part of your culture, and you can't have it because of me," Magnus decides on, though it doesn't feel completely accurate. 

It's hard to put into words how important culture is to him, even if it's not his own. Celebrating who he is, honoring those who came before him, reminding himself of the wonders of his homeland, just being around his people—it's what he lives for. Being denied such a sacred part of his customs would make him angry, or at least sad, but Alec just seems to feel indifferent. It's not the same, of course, because Alec has never been hunted or persecuted for his traditions and Magnus has never lived on the side of the oppressor. 

"I don't want it," Alec says fiercely. Magnus worries for a moment that he's angered Alec, but the touch of Alec's hold remains soft. "All it would be is a representation of their hatred and violence. I don't want their approval, I don't need it. I don't want to be like them."

"You're not like them, Alexander."

Alec smiles sadly, shaking his head just slightly, "I am, sometimes. But I'm trying not to be." 

"Starting with the rune?" Magnus asks, unable to resist teasing when Alec looks so melancholy. 

"Starting with kissing a sexy warlock at my wedding." Alec punctuates his statement by kissing said sexy warlock. "And then a whole lot of other stuff, and then kissing him again at another wedding."

Magnus laughs and Alec silences him with a slow kiss. When they separate again, Alec rests his forehead against Magnus' shoulder and breathes in deep.

"We should commission dear Clarissa to create a new rune just for us," Magnus suggests, smiling cheekily despite Alec being unable to see it. 

"Would it surprise you to know she already suggested the same thing?" 

Magnus laughs again, a loud surprised noise, and Alec is also laughing, still pressed against his shoulder. 

19.

"You must be freezing," Alec says suddenly, midway through their walk around Central Park that evening. They've both been mostly silent after dinner and Magnus isn't entirely sure that Alec isn't treating this as an extra patrol instead of the end to a good date.

"Warlock," Magnus reminds him with a quick hand movement that produces blue smoke between his fingers. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Alec has this tone of voice that tells Magnus he's probably frowning and Magnus confirms it when he turns to look at him. 

"I'm sure, darling."

Another minute goes by and Alec speaks again.

"It's got to be ten below out here and you only have a jacket," Alec insists. Magnus squeezes his fingers from where they're entwined but Alec is undeterred. "I have a rune and even I need a hat and gloves."

"I did a heating spell, Alexander," Magnus scoffs. Now Alec's concern is starting to sound like doubt in his abilities. "I'm probably much warmer than you."

Alec doesn't immediately respond, but instead he stops, causing Magnus to stop too. Alec turns and puts a hand on Magnus' cheek, the same frown present on his face. 

For a brief moment Magnus expects a kiss, but then Alec says, "You feel a little cold, Magnus."

Alec's fingers move backwards, tracing over his ears. 

"You should have a hat at least. Your ears are red."

"They certainly are _not_," Magnus retorts, indignant. His skin color doesn't tend to show feelings or temperature the way Alec's does, and unless Alec activated a rune he shouldn't be able to see well enough to even tell. 

Alec moves his hand away and Magnus feels the loss of his heat (_additional_ heat, thank you very much, because he _did_ do a warming spell) for just a moment before Alec is tugging off his hat.

"Here, you can borrow mine!" Alec declares, seemingly proud of his idea.

Magnus has one second to try to stop him, exclaiming, "Alec, no, my hair—" and then the deed is done. Alec had shoved his beanie over Magnus's mohawk and down to cover his ears. He grins at Magnus and holds the beanie in place, lest Magnus try to take it off.

"There you go," Alec says, voice much softer now and decidedly pleased.

Magnus pouts up at Alec (though he would deny it if asked) and Alec just smiles bigger at his petulant reaction. He leans forward to give Magnus a quick kiss, still holding the hat and therefore Magnus' face, in his hands.

"Cute," Alec decides when he pulls back, eyes still closed. Magnus looks up at the man he loves more than anything and agrees.

20.

Magnus isn't sure how long Alec holds him, kneeling on the floor in his living room, but when they finally disentangle themselves Magnus' tears are dried. He feels empty—all his emotions and terrible secrets spilled out between them—and yet full at the same time, full of anxiety and fear and heat.

_Alec is too good for me_, he thinks, desperately, as he loosens his fingers from where they had clutched to Alec's back. How could Alec hear these things and still hold him? How can he be confronted with the true extent of Magnus' demonic heritage and still say he loves him? 

Magnus wants to stay in his arms for the rest of the night, but there's a part of him that's so afraid of hurting Alec. The memories of his time with his father keep flashing through his mind and he remembers every town he burned, every person who tried to touch him and was destroyed instead, every word Asmodeus had told him. _This is your destiny. You're just like me, my son. Nobody is worthy of you, a prince of hell. _

Alec settles back on his legs, looking up at Magnus with the same serious, concerned expression. Magnus rubs his eyes and tries not to look directly at him. 

"I'm gonna go to the kitchen real quick," Alec says, his voice tentative and soft as if speaking to a scared child. The coddling makes something angry fire up in him, but he pushes it down the way he always has and just nods. 

Alec gets up slowly, still watching him, and when he's standing at full height he bends down to press a kiss onto the top of Magnus' head. The lingering warmth of the kiss keeps Magnus from panicking when Alec turns away, but only barely.

Magnus settles back into the chair but otherwise doesn't move, staring blankly ahead and trying to focus on the sounds of Alec puttering around in the kitchen. He isn't gone for long, just a few minutes, but when he comes back there is a steaming mug in his hands. If Magnus was able to focus enough, he would see the mug was the black one with a cat on the side that Alec bought him last week.

"Here, drink this," Alec says as he hands the mug to Magnus. Reflexively Magnus takes it, but he doesn't drink immediately. The water is slightly orange and smells of citrus. "You'll feel better."

The water is warm but not too hot, and vaguely Magnus recalls that he never heard the kettle go off. When he holds the mug up and turns it, he can see a heating rune drawn on the side of it. 

Alec gives a nervous laugh and explains, "It's faster and quieter than the mundane way." 

Magnus takes another sip and murmurs, "Thank you," into the edge of the cup. Alec smiles down at him. 

It's just a cup of tea, not even the kind he usually likes, but the meaning of the gesture is far more comforting than the tea itself. Alec is opening up more and more each day, but expressing emotions other than determination and anger was still a bit difficult for him. 

Truthfully, every shadowhunter Magnus has ever met has the same problem, albeit it manifests differently. Sometimes it feels like young shadowhunters have to pick their one emotion at the same time as their signature weapon, and they hold onto both until the day they die. Rebellion, responsibility, anger, fear—there's inevitably something that stands out, the one they chose to perfect in exchange for sacrificing the others.

In some ways, Magnus thinks, it's similar to a warlock choosing a kind of magic to specialize in, whether consciously or not. Iris was hungry for power and vengeance, and her focus in necromancy aided that. Catarina is the best healer Magnus knows, and she's loving and protective of everyone she meets. Lorenzo, the conceited bastard, usually dabbled in the showmanship of illusionary magic and making himself float around like an idiot. 

"What are you laughing at?" Alec asks, breaking Magnus out of his reverie. Alec is back to kneeling in front of him, smiling at him fondly. Magnus hadn't even realized he reacted to his mental images out loud. 

"It's nothing," Magnus says, his voice rough from disuse and his earlier crying. Alec doesn't push him for an answer and instead puts a hand on his cheek.

"See? I told you the tea would make you feel better."

Magnus looks down at the mug still in his hands and is surprised to find it empty. How long was he thinking about Alec and different kinds of magic? Did Alec really just sit and wait for him to talk the entire time? 

Magnus doesn't get a chance to ask, because Alec stands up again and holds a hand out, "Do you want to go to bed?"

He doesn't really because there's no way of knowing if the nightmares will come back, but Alec is looking down at him so tenderly that he takes his hand anyway. Alec tugs him along happily and Magnus begs any deity he can think of to let him keep this for as long as possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found a new list! So more of these will be coming probably. 
> 
> The 'ways to say I love you' I used in this chapter are:  
“It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway.”  
“Can I have this dance?”  
“It doesn’t bother me.”  
“You can borrow mine.”  
“Here, drink this. You’ll feel better.”


	5. a great honor to hold you up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is only 3 little stories (and 1 is short) because this year has been A Lot and I haven't written in months. But I wanted to share anyway!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Number 23 includes discussion of self-harm.

21.

Magnus steps out of their bedroom into the hallway and is greeted by stunned silence. In the past, the lack of reaction would have worried him, but at this point he's well accustomed to his husband's way of communicating.

Magnus grins, holding his arms out as he asks, "What do you think?"

Alec just stares at him, jaw dropped and hunger in his eyes. Magnus keeps grinning and smooths down the fabric of his outfit. Once everything settled down in their lives, Magnus was quick to reinstate the themed nights at Pandemonium and one of his favorites was costume nights. The theme was simply "Monochromatic" but Magnus took the opportunity to bring out the big guns, including his most sparkly eyeshadow, a pair of sky-high heels, and a _very_ short skirt. 

It was the latter that Alec seems unable to keep his eyes off of, especially when Magnus shifts his weight and attempts to tug down the fabric from where it keeps riding up. 

"Wow," Alec finally manages to say, and Magnus preens.

"This is one of my finest ensembles," he explains, even though he knows the intricacies of fashion and design will be lost on Alec. He does a small spin to show his husband all the angles, and stumbles a bit on the heels. "Admittedly it's been awhile since I've worn these shoes. I might need you to carry me around."

Alec just nods dutifully, looking all but thrilled at the idea. 

"Alexander, dear," Magnus implores. "Can you please say something? A comment, some constructive criticism."

"You're stunning," Alec breathes out. He blinks rapidly, trying to bring himself back to the real world. "Absolutely gorgeous. Wow. I'm so lucky."

Magnus finds himself almost blushing at the praise, even if it's nothing he hasn't heard before. He takes a few steps over to Alec, marveling at the fact that he's now slightly taller than him. He puts his hands on Alec's shoulders and watches as Alec sways forward just barely, reaching his hands out and then dropping them back down.

"You can touch, you know."

"I don't wanna mess anything up," Alec explains, but he settles his hands on Magnus' waist anyway. He's still running his eyes up and down Magnus, staring in awe and a hint of lust.

"Oh? Planning to make me messy?" Magnus teases and the lust in Alec's eyes takes over. Alec squeezes Magnus' waist and draws his hands down lower, just a bit, before bringing them back up again.

"You have no idea," Alec promises, smiling at him and leaning in for a short kiss. When he pulls back, he seems to remember something and asks, "Have you ever worn this before?"

"Many a time," Magnus replies, moving one hand off of Alec's shoulder to gesture loosely. "There was a year where all I _ever_ wore to Pandemonium were skirts and stilettos. I must've been celebrating something. I'm not too sure now."

Alec misses Magnus' rambling for the way his eyes glaze over at the picture Magnus has presented to him. He vaguely wonders how long ago it was, if Izzy or Jace ever went to Pandemonium without him and saw Magnus looking like _this_. 

"I did a brief run as a drag queen, too, but once I was High Warlock that was off the table," Magnus continues, and Alec frowns, confused at the vocabulary. "Right, I almost forgot! You're newly gay. I'll explain it later."

"Hey!" Alec retorts, mock-offended as he swats at Magnus' butt. "I'm not _newly_ gay."

"Oh, you know what I meant," Magnus pouts, also playing at being upset, and Alec can't resist kissing him again.

"Why'd you stop?" 

"Duty called, and other nonsense," Magnus says, avoiding a direct answer. Alec feels cautious, suddenly, at the way Magnus has retreated into himself just from a simple question. "Then I started seeing you, and— well."

"Well?"

"I didn't want to be _too much_, as it were."

Alec smirks, "Too much for my fragile newly gay heart?"

"Ah," Magnus replies, rubbing absentmindedly at Alec's shoulders. "I was thinking more along the lines of too much for your family, and your fellow shadowhunters."

"You thought about that?"

"Of course I did. It was bad enough you were dating a male warlock. The least I could do was tone it down," Magnus says, as if it were nothing important, but Alec starts thinking back over their relationship and notices the pattern. Magnus was soft and colorful, then he wasn't, and now he is again. Because of _him_.

"And now?" Alec asks, instead of all the things he wants to say.

"Now you're stuck with me," Magnus reaches a hand up to fiddle with his ear. The action causes the light to catch his wedding ring. "So there's less to fear, I guess."

Alec sputters over _stuck with me_, as if marrying Magnus was anything but his greatest blessing, but then the rest of it registers. _Fear_. Not a lack of fear, just _less_ of it. 

He must be frowning, because Magnus smooths a thumb between his eyebrows and murmurs, "It's not you, it was never you."

Alec can't help but think it _was_ him, but his unhappiness is also upsetting Magnus, and they're supposed to be going out for a fun night so he tries to reign it in. He wants to talk about it later, of course, but they have all the time in the world to air out their insecurities and grievances. 

"It looks good on you," Alec decides on and Magnus smiles again, in that small, soft way that Alec never wants to stop seeing. "You should wear things like this more often."

Magnus grins slyly and asks, "You think so?"

Alec nods, expression serious and determined.

Which distracts Magnus enough that he can give a hearty slap to Magnus' skirt-clad ass. 

"Alec!" Magnus exclaims, faux-scandalized, slipping out of Alec's hold to defend his honor. His stilettos hit the decorative rug in the living room and he topples backwards, sprawled across the couch. 

And, well, what is Alec to do except ravish the man splayed out for him? 

22.

**Alexander [7:08 AM]:** love you. have a good day. 

**Magnus [8:01 AM]:** You too, my dear. <3

——

**Alexander [11:56 AM]:** lunch?

**Magnus [11:56 AM]:** I'm craving that lovely Thai place we went to last month. 

**Alexander [11:57 AM]:** ok sounds good. 

**Magnus [11:59 AM]:** Portalling in now. :)

——

**Alexander [3:57 PM]:** [photo attached]

**Alexander [3:57 PM]:** it reminded me of you.

**Magnus [3:59 PM]:** So cute! Did you pet them, Alexander? Tell me you pet this cat or I'm divorcing you. >:(

**Alexander [4:00 PM]:** i pet it.

**Magnus [4:05 PM]:** Good!!! Our marriage has been saved. <3

**Magnus [4:16 PM]:** Did you call that cat an IT???? >:( >:( >:(

23.

It's with some trepidation that Magnus follows Alec up a narrow staircase in the New York Institute that, presumably, leads to the roof. Alec has been silent the whole journey up—for the entire _day,_ really, except when he pulled Magnus in close that morning and mumbled sleepily against his lips, "Come with me today."

Magnus doesn't usually accompany him to the institute anymore, not since they moved to Alicante and Magnus was wrapped up in more meetings than he could keep track of. But if Alec was asking him then there must be a reason and Magnus can be patient enough to find out.

When they make it to the rooftop, the night around them seems quiet and still despite being in the middle of a bustling city. It's summer, so it's not cold, but Magnus pulls his jacket tighter around himself anyway.

"Close your eyes and hold out your hands," Alec instructs, voice confident but eyes a bit nervous. Magnus simply smiles and does as he's told.

Magnus tries not to track Alec, not wanting to ruin whatever his surprise is, but there's a part of his magic that is always locked onto Alec whether he controls it or not. He can sense that Alec doesn't move at first, and then when he does there's the soft buzz of Angelic magic that Magnus has come to recognize as Alec summoning something. 

(To this day Magnus isn't quite sure how it works. He's not a warlock, clearly, but he can summon his possessions to wherever he's standing as long as they are runed. Magnus has never seen another shadowhunter do this, and his secret research and inquiries to Ragnor have turned up nothing. Whenever he directly asks Alec to do it, the pressure usually makes him unable to do so. Alec insists it's not magic, not like what Magnus does, but there's nothing else it could be).

Magnus is pulled from his musing when Alec places the object in his hands. It's his bow.

"You can open up now," Alec says softly.

Magnus opens his eyes and looks directly at Alec first before even glancing down at the bow. Alec still looks nervous, but in a way that shows he's resolved himself to deal with whatever consequences his actions bring. It's an expression Magnus loves on him, even if it makes his heart hurt, too. 

"You said you wanted to work on your bow skills," Alec explains when Magnus doesn't say anything. Magnus finally looks down and sees that Alec has given him his main bow, the one he's had the longest and treasures the most. The gesture makes Magnus smile. 

He tries to remember when he ever said that, but he comes up empty. It could've been months ago for all he knows, since Alec tends to remember every single word he says better than Magnus himself. But it has been a few decades since he last picked up a bow, so he can imagine himself saying something of the sort.

"I did," Magnus confirms. He shifts the bow in his hands to hold it as if he was going to fire it and Alec moves behind him to adjust his stance. Just as he did with the bow, Alec summons his quiver to his shoulder and pulls out an arrow, helping Magnus nock it.

Alec talks him through the motions, voice remaining soft and patient even when Magnus accidentally drops the arrow without firing it, and when Magnus pretends he doesn't know how to draw the string so that he can press back further into Alec's arms and chest. 

Magnus can't play dumb for long, however, because he _does_ have experience with a bow and eventually he's able to fire one off the edge of the building into the night. He suddenly remembers the very mundane world around them and reaches a hand out to summon the arrow back or glamour it, but then the arrow explodes like a firework.

Magnus frowns in confusion, turning towards Alec, "Are you going to say _that's_ not magic, too, my dear?"

Alec laughs and deflects, "Just some old alchemy."

Magnus rolls his eyes and asks, "What do you think magic _is?_" 

Alec shrugs and Magnus drops it for now, but he's already thinking about taking one of these arrows home to investigate further. He's drafting a fire message to Isabelle in his head when Alec pulls out another arrow, and Magnus lets Alec move him into position again. They repeat this a few times—nock, draw back, release—and as Magnus gets the hang of it, Alec backs off and watches him instead. Alec keeps the quiver, though, and he pulls arrow after arrow out of it and hands them off to Magnus. 

There's a tension in the air that they both can feel, but Magnus waits until Alec is ready. After what has to be twenty arrows, Alec speaks up.

"I used to come up here a lot," he says, fidgeting with the arrow in his hand before handing it off to Magnus. Nock, draw back, release. "When the training room was full. Or if I couldn't sleep."

Another arrow explodes into white sparks. Magnus wants to ask _For training or for therapy?_ but he doesn't.

"The last time was over a year ago. After," Alec stops, voice catching just slightly. Magnus turns to look at him and isn't surprised to see him back in parade rest, both arms held tightly behind him except when he pulls out an arrow to hand to Magnus. Nock, draw back, release. "After Jocelyn. Jace found me and tried to get me to come back in. I left instead."

Magnus remembers Alec on his fire escape, hands bloodied, eyes empty. Suddenly that night makes a lot more sense to him.

Alec looks up at him finally and offers a weak smile, "I started talking to you instead." _Instead of hurting myself_, goes unsaid. 

They both know that this isn't always true. Alec still throws himself so deeply in his work that he doesn't eat. He still digs his nails into his palms when he's stressed. Not even a month ago Alec had to ask Magnus to magic away the punching bag in their home training room because the temptation was too strong.

Magnus gives up all pretense that he's interested in practicing with the bow, arms lowering as he turns to face Alec fully.

"I love you, Alexander," Magnus says. There's a lot more words floating around in his brain but he holds them back. The last thing he wants to do is push Alec away when he's offering this raw, bleeding part of himself for Magnus to see. 

Alec smiles at him, "I love you, too, Magnus." 

"I'm proud of you."

Alec opens his mouth and Magnus can imagine the protest on the tip of his tongue, but Alec holds it back. 

"Thank you," he says instead, and Magnus wraps him up in a hug, one arm awkwardly holding the bow away from their bodies.

Magnus fires a few more shots in silence, then passes the bow off to Alec. Alec entertains him with increasingly difficult bow tricks, even summoning the 5-arrow bow. They spend the rest of the evening in mostly silence, everything necessary to say already said and heard between them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ways to say I love you:  
It looks good on you.  
It reminded me of you.  
Close your eyes and hold out your hands.


End file.
